Banjo Rigsby’s Unsolicited Advice for Real Estate Agents Who Insist on Planting American Flags in Front of Every House Within Their Territory Before The Fourth of July

Banjo is certain that others have noticed the annual just-pre-Fourth-of-July phenomenon where Real Estate Agents plant plastic American Flags on the lawns of citizens living in the neighborhoods in which these agents ply their trade. In some neighborhoods, competing Agents can plant entire bouquets of Flags.

First of all, Banjo would like to say, Thank you, Real Estate Agents! Banjo almost always forgets to stock up on plastic American Flags before the Fourth. You save Banjo the social stigma of not having a Flag to wave when the time comes to wave The Flag--and that time comes often in Banjo's neighborhood. Others, no doubt, feel the same way. We appreciate your community service. And the workers in the factories of Southwestern China who produce the flags enjoy the opportunity you provide them to feed, clothe and shelter their families. You do not just serve your own neighborhoods, you serve The World. Well done!

Banjo has just one piece of advice, Real Estate Agents: plant those flags at least six feet from the sidewalk in order to minimize the likelihood that they will be urinated upon by neighborhood dogs.

Banjo's dog, as Banjo walks him through the neighborhood, has "annointed" many a Real Estate Agent Flag. Now, before the Banjo-haters (you know who you are, W.) condemn Banjo for allowing his canine to desecrate The Flag, please note that this event occurs despite Banjo's best efforts to prevent it. These Flags, to Banjo's dog, are like a blank check to a Serial Charity Contributor, like a bar tab to a Young Entrepreneur trying to impress his peers, like a co-ed's cleavage to a narcissistic Celebrity Governor--That Which Must Be Signed. Banjo is not a small man, but he also does not have a surplus of ballast. His medium-sized, athletic dog is able to pull him off balance long enough to sneak a squirt at nearly every Flag positioned adjacent to the sidewalk. The extreme attention his dog pays to these flags suggest that other dogs succeed in making their marks on the verysame Flags.

Banjo does not blame the dogs, the dog owners, or The Flags. He blames the Real Estate Agents.

Please, Agents, step into the property, even at the risk of Trespassing, to plant those Flags. If sticklers about observing personal privacy and civil liberties come running out of their homes bearing weapons that can inflict pain from a distance, quickly explain that you are violataing their privacy in order to place an American Flag. Wave it with one hand while holding the other hand over your heart. (One-armed Real Estate Agents can achieve nearly the same effect by waving The Flag with the one arm while pursing the lips and knitting the brow.) For 97% of such people, this explanation will suffice. You will recognize the other 3%: they will raise and begin to aim their action-at-a-distance tools. Run from them. Then return to their properties in the dark of night, and plant many of your Flags on their lawn, right along the sidewalk, and take comfort in knowing that local canines soon will use those Flags as urinals. And when the Owners of those homes remove those Flags, they will, in essence, be touching dog pee.

For the rest of us, place the flags close to our homes and away from the sidewalk, and let us decide whether or not to relocate them in order to touch dog pee.